You Cannot Buy Love

In Poduska’s 1 chapters about financial challenges within a marriage, I was reminded about the underlying reasons of why a person makes certain financial decisions. These choices are greatly influenced by his or her childhood experiences, even their birth order. I am the second to the oldest, and although I have certain characteristics of a “second born”, I also found some aspects of the first born and the middle born in me. When I was growing up, I was more of the controller than my older sister was. I organized our activities and even directed how each sibling was to do their chore. Everyone in my family knows that I can get a bit controlling and they’ve learned to live with my high expectations.

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I believe that I have taken that same “control issues” in my marriage. Fortunately for me, the control issues do not spill over the finances. That is where my husband is an expert on and I totally trust him with our money. He does get my input, especially with the big purchases but with the everyday tallying up of income and expenses, he’s the guy that does it for our family.

Another thing that I really liked about Poduska’s thoughts on finances is the idea that you cannot buy love. The author said, “Whether another person is happy, sad, loving, or rejecting is a choice that person makes; it is not within your power to generate those feelings.” As a parent, I can easily use material things as a sign of showing my children love. However with this quote, it shows that it doesn’t help anyone to feel better if I shower him/her with gifts and material things. My attempt of showing love through tangible items will not lead to lasting and real love.

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The last idea that I have gained from Poduska’s book is the idea that, “you can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you.” This is very insightful, especially in our day where everything is so easily purchased/gained without too much work. A swipe of a card or a “charge” notion can get you anything that you desire. It’s in the understanding of what you need versus what you want is what will help a person curb their desires, especially in purchasing items.

Elder Maxwell once said, “Life’s necessary defining moments come within our allotments, and we make “on the record” choices within these allotments. Our responses are what matter. Sufficient unto each life are the tests thereof!”2

Contentment, especially in our material allotments, is very important in a marriage that is a combination of two differing cultures and traditions. We all have our agency, and being satisfied with whatever we have, making sure that we do not use material things as our “love language”, and having good communications regarding money without our respective spouses is what will create success within our marriages.

Resources:

1. Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain
2. Maxwell, N. A. (2000, April). Content with the Things Allotted unto Us - Neal A. Maxwell. Retrieved July 11, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/content-with-the-things-allotted-unto-us?lang=eng

Unity in Marriage

President Henry B. Eyring presented some great advice regarding unity in his talk entitled “That We May Be One.”1 His thoughts, although directed to humanity in general, fits perfectly in establishing unity within marriages. He said that being one with our spouses is an essential part of God’s plan. President Eyring said, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”

Source image: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/361976888771460686/

When I think about “becoming one in marriage”, my thoughts directly turn to my in laws. My father in law was a young widow at 32 years old when my husband’s mother passed away due to a car accident. This tragedy left him heartbroken and understandably overwhelmed in figuring out how to care for his four young children, one of them (my husband) being only a few months old. As he was putting his life back into pieces, it was clear to him that he needed to find a “help meet” in order to both work and take care of his children. Fortunately he met my mother in law. We refer to her as an angel because without her willingness to marry a widow with four children, who knows what would have happened to my husband and his siblings. I think the commitment that both my in laws made with each other to rebuild the family after a tragedy is an example of having their hearts knitted together.

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A big part of achieving unity within the marriage is through weekly couple council. Elder Russell M. Ballard gave us some great council on the what, why and how of this important meeting. In his explanation, he talked a lot about how councils are essential to the everyday running of the church. Some vital aspects of these meetings involves an agenda, prayer, charity with one another, and an invitation for the Spirit to direct. These same chief elements of a church council are the exact ones that are necessary for each successful weekly couple council. Elder Ballard emphasized the significance of accepting the various differences we have and being open to one another’s opinions and beliefs. He said that, “By appointing different accountability to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service and progress.”2 The differences that we have are part of our divine make up. Having respect and charity for one another is part of our refinement.

Resources:
1. Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66
2. M. Russell Ballard (1997) “Counseling With Your Councils.” Chapter 2

Sex, we can talk about it

The subject of sexual intimacy, even within the realm of marriage, has always been a “taboo” subject for me. I came from a conservative upbringing that even though we know some concept of sex and “how babies were made”, my parents never took the time to explain it to us. This lack of support and guidance from my parents gave me the impression that it was not to be spoken of, especially as an important part of preparing for marriage.

In one of the readings this week, Dr. Sean E. Brotherson, the state extension family life specialist at North Dakota State University in Fargo, North Dakota, related that the first problem that people, especially married persons encounter about sexual intimacy is the lack of proper knowledge about its meaning and purpose. He said, “Ignorance is the first enemy of sexual fulfillment in marriage.” Dr. Brotherson even said that this unawareness leads to many more marital issues like, “couple communication and caring” which in turn “leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce.”1

Divorce as a result of ignorance, who wants that? Definitely not me!

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But I’m happy to say that there are plenty of great advice and holy counsel from church leaders so we can overcome the challenge of ignorance.

The first one that jumped out at me was the idea that sexual intimacy is part of our commitment to our marriage. It is a sign of giving “ourselves” to our union. President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency said that, “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose.”2 There is a divine intention for it,  but ONLY if it is experienced within the bonds of marriage.

The second idea about sexual intimacy is the responsibility we have to the level of sexual fulfillment in our marriage. Just like the other stewardships that we have on this earth, our duty to make sexual intimacy a success within matrimony lies within us and not to be blamed on our partners. Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, said that, “. . . neither the husband nor the wife alone control the physical relationship, that both are diligent in their commitment to each other, and that both have a nurturing attitude toward the other.”3

The third concept that I have found comfort in was how even though part of the purpose of sexual intimacy within marriage is to “multiply and replenish the earth”, Latter-day prophets reminds us that there was no specific law within the gospel that states how many children a couple should have to fulfill this purpose. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated that, “The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not designate the number, nor has the church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord.”4

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It might be uncomfortable to talk about S-E-X out loud but if we study its divine aspects and  refer to it within the bounds that is acceptable in marriage, we will learn that this physical connection is vital to a happy and successful marriage.

Resources:

1  Brotherson, S. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.

2 Brotherson, S. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.

3 Barlow, B. (1986, September). They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign.

4 Hinckley, Gordon Bitner. Cornerstones of a Happy Home. Salt Lake City, UT: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1984. Print

Marriage is God’s finishing school

After reading Dr. Gottman’s book, I believe that the central message of the “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”1 is that everyone, even the successful ones, can benefit from the principles that he shared in the book. We all have something more to learn every day that will help our own marriages either get out of the brink of destruction or succeed even more. I know for me, the exercises provided within the chapters has become a better communication platform for me and my husband. I especially loved the questions in the “Fond and Admiration” section. Even after being married for 14 years, there are still somethings that I did not know about my sweetheart. We have become closer by applying the lessons of the book in our marriage.

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Dr. Gottman also talked about an early warning system that helps strengthen a marriage. The “marital poop detector” is so vital to a marriage because it is a warning tool that helps the couple detect something wrong within their union before it escalates into something bigger. To implement this principle in my marriage, I need to constantly be in tune with my husband and how my own actions are affecting my relationship with him.

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I was also very inspired by the central message in Dr. Goddard’s “Drawing Heaven into your marriage” book.2 I believe that the main focus of his book was to look into ourselves first and change our attitude towards our relationships in order for them to succeed. This self-analyzation is the only way that we will see our marriage just as God sees it. My favorite part of his book was the constant reminder that our marriages is God’s “finishing school for the godly soul.” He also said that, “Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” I know that as I’ve pondered and even applied the principles Dr. Goddard outlined in his book, it has helped me be a little bit more patient, more understanding and more charitable within my marriage. It has also helped me realize my weaknesses and how to lean on my faith in God to help me in my imperfections. He reminded us that “We can flee Him (our Lord) or we can go to Him. It is always better to go to Him.”

Resource:
1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (n.d.). The seven principles for making marriage work.
2.Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing Heaving into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Law of Consecration in Marriage

In Elder Robbins talk of “Agency and Anger” I was reminded that anger is Satan’s biggest strategy to bring contention in the home. My biggest take away from his counsel is the fact that “no one makes us mad and others don’t make us angry.” That is so powerful to me because it reminds me that I have agency. With that comes the responsibility to control my feelings and emotions. I think about the many ills that happen in our society these days. In the need for the majority to find justice, they always try to find the “cause” or why someone would do something. In this attempt to find something to blame, we forget that we all have the responsibility for our actions. Yes there are certain diagnosis, illnesses or other mentalities that might be brought about my influence of others or just plain things that we are born with. However this doesn’t take away the fact that we are responsible for the actions created by our emotions, most importantly anger. I love how Elder Robbins reminded us at the end of his talk that “choice and accountability are inseparable principles.” And in any relationship, especially in our marriage, this is critical in order to have a happy and peaceful union.

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In connection with anger and agency comes forgiveness. This is so important in a marriage because it shows that we are willing to give up our pride and make amends in order to have love back in the marriage. I also think that if we want to be forgiven, cause we are only human, we need to forgive and what better environment/relationship to exercise this giving and receiving of forgiveness than in marriage.

After we have used our agency to control our anger and strong emotions and have forgiven our spouse with their weakness comes consecration.

According to Brother Goddard, “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration . . . we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”

Some of the little ways that I’ve consecrated myself to my spouse and marriage is to do my responsibilities without complaining, being flexible with my schedule so I can go have fun with my husband when he initiates, and helping my husband with computer issues without criticism when he needs it. These things might be “little things” but they are big for me as they a fight against the natural man in me. I can be really protective of my time and so when something throws off my schedule, I get really upset. This is especially a struggle since I’ve gone back to school. I feel that if I don’t adhere to my daily schedule I won’t be able to keep up with my studies. But I also realize that I need the time to step away and reconnect with my family, especially with my husband. So now I’ve learned to ask everyone in the morning what their plans are. This is especially important on Saturdays when everyone is home and my husband would want us to watch a movie in the afternoon or go on a hike if the weather is good. By knowing what he wants to do as soon as we wake up, I’m able to work around his schedule.

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Bro. Goddard also said that “no partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs.” However if we focus more on what we can do/give/help our partner with, instead of meeting them halfway, we would see that we are much more capable of giving more than our 100%. That for me is a sign that we are practicing the skills for true adherence to the law of consecration.

Resource:
1. Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.
2. Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing Heaving into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Pride and Influence in a Marriage

President Benson’s “Beware of Pride”1 talk was very powerful to me. I know of pride before but when he mentioned that, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance” it made me really think about how I am controlling my own pride tendencies and if I’m falling trap to it without even really knowing it. I also liked when he mentioned pride as a competition to the will of God. He said that, “Our will in competition to God’s will allows desired, appetites, and passions to go unbridled.” As I ponder on that thought, it made me think of the word “control and discipline”. If I allow myself to be uncontrolled and undisciplined in my wants, say in food or shopping, then I’m already committing the sin of pride. It’s in the little things that I can see myself really falling trap to pride tendencies and his talk helped me to be more conscious about it.

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Accepting influence for me really depends on the person that I’m to be influenced by. For example is with our finances. I came from a home where money wasn’t regulated and “want” versus “need” purchases weren’t really controlled. When I married my husband, it all changed. I was working then but I still had to have a set allowance per week. At first it was hard for me to grasp this. In my mind, I’m working, why can’t I have access to my hard earned money? But then we bought the car that I had always wanted and the responsibility of paying the high monthly payments for it allowed me to see that not all of my wants warrant the responsibility that comes along with it. From then on, we would weigh big purchases together and justify the cost.

There are some other people in my life that can influence me, however, I don't see that their choices and ideals  have led them to a better life. I believe that trust in my husband and his example has led me to easily accept his influence. I respect his opinions and have seen how his belief in faith, finances, and even politics do makes sense. That is not to say that we don’t have disagreements. But over the years, I’ve seen firsthand how his healthy habits and financial discipline has led him to a better life and that’s what I want for myself as well.

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My biggest takeaway from this lesson came from Bro. Goddard's book. He said that the "natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others."2 That struck a strong cord to me cause I tend to try to "fix" things. If I see a problem (in my point of view) then I'm in "fix it" mode. Until I read that, I didn't realize that this mentality is a form of pride. Most of the time that is directed to my kids and my husband. I loved how you said about micromanaging.

So for me to ensure that pride is in check, I will be more humble and be conscientious/aware if I'm presenting some natural man tendencies to fix things. I think that that's my first priority. And if I fall into that trap (which I'm sure I will some days) I need to repent. I'm so glad that we have classes and lessons like this that not only help us understand the human behavior but gives us opportunities to look inward and make ourselves better people.

Resource:
1. President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989, 4-7.
2.Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing Heaving into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Strength found in marriage

My perspective on marriage is greatly influenced because of the idea that God created marriage to help refine and help us. It gives me comfort to know that the hardships of living with a person of totally different upbringing and personality to mine are for my own learning and growth; and that through the hard times I am able to learn about my own strengths and weaknesses.

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This comes to mind the experience about working out. My husband has always been vigilant with exercising. He believes that good health is attained by good eating habits and exercise. I, on the other hand, didn’t grow up with that mind frame. I was never fond of physical activity and was never encouraged to participate in any sports. That led to my idea that I can never do “hard things”. Well after I gave birth to my first son, I really wanted to lose my baby weight. I came to my husband and he helped me find ways to exercise that I would actually like. He bought us a treadmill which at first I thought was really boring. But then I trusted his “plan” for me and I got on that treadmill every day for months. After losing the weight and feeling physically better than I’ve ever had in my life, I realized that I can do hard things. That transferred to other challenges in my life. All because my husband believed in my capacity to change and I trusted him and the Lord through the process.

Going back to the lesson regarding the difference between a covenant and a contract, I believe that in order to live a life anchored with faith and trust in Jesus Christ, one needs to have a mindset of having a covenant marriage versus the other. For me this means that when the tough times happen, I think about giving my 100% in faith and action versus expecting my spouse to meet me halfway. I’ve seen this in my own marriage, especially when my husband and I are faced with challenges. We are a good team because we bring our best to the table. That doesn’t mean that we don’t fall into moments of despair or hopelessness, because we still do. However, since my husband knows that I’m giving my all, he is there to help me when I can’t be positive anymore and vice versa.

I think that distractions are big challenges for turning toward one another. One way to overcome this is the conscious effort to do those “little things” that leads to turning towards each other. I like what Mr. Gottman said in the book that “couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.”1 This brings a good point about how we can easily get frustrated or upset towards our spouse and feel hurt because we are not given the attention we feel we deserve, but in reality it’s just that they are distracted. Talking to our spouse about the issue can be a good start.

Image source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/03/table-talk_n_4508770.html

My favorite way of turning towards my spouse is the “end of the day” reporting that we do with one another. It is actually done during dinner time so the kids also get involved. We go around the table and talk about the day’s highlights (and sometimes the low points too). This helps our family stay connected and well informed of each other’s days. This little action has increased my friendship, not only to my husband, but to my children as well. This is also something that I value a lot because growing up; my family rarely sat the dinner table together. Everyone seemed to have a different time frame for eating and my parents never enforced a time for all of us to come together. I saw how strained my relationship with my family was at the time, especially when I was a teenager and going through challenges. I felt like I could not talk with my parents because we never established a way for open communication.

Resource:
1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (n.d.). The seven principles for making marriage work.