Fondness and Admiration

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My personal insight about love maps have increased greatly because of reading Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", especially chapters 4 and 5. I have come to the realization of how important it is to continually foster the friendship with your spouse. I also realized that people can get into a rut and how vital it is to reconnect with your spouse on a regular basis. I think that not giving time for our wife/husband is a major challenge in a marriage’s love map overtime. When we don’t go on dates or even just to talk, we lose the ability to stay connected to our partners. I believe that each person one earth has that need to share our “stories” with someone and if a married person is not doing that with their spouse, then that person will go to someone else and get into an emotional intimacy with the wrong individual.

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When I learned about the importance of nurturing my fondness and admiration within the marriage, the thing that stood out to me the most was about how these things relate to respect. I have never put those three things together but it does make sense. According to the Gottman’s book he said that when a wife/husband has built a fondness and admiration with his/her spouse then he/she thinks that the spouse is “worthy of honor and respect.”1 For me that’s a powerful statement. I think about fondness as “like” and therefore not as deep as honor and respect but these feelings built upon each other. They create the strong foundation for honor and respect, especially during the tough times.

Another aspect of fondness and admiration that I have valued this week is how it curbs the tendencies for criticism. A peer of mine suggested that we think things through before saying something. I am definitely weak in that aspect, especially with my family. I am one of those people that want to "fix" a problem right away and sometimes that involves criticizing others for the way they do things. The assignment this week of nurturing positive thoughts has really helped me "curb" my need to give constructive criticism. It make me stop and do a bit of analyzation first before I open my mouth. It's a small and subtle activity but it is making a big impact to my week.

Resource:
1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (n.d.). The seven principles for making marriage work.

My spouse and my friend

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In John Gottman’s book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work " 1 his definition of friendship within the marriage are about the couple actually liking each other and having that camaraderie that people have with their friends. Of course the friendship in marriage is deeper and stronger than other friendships but that is the basis.

The friendship is important in a marriage because the husband and wife need to have that sense of loyalty to one another. They also need to be able to like each other enough to want to be with them 24/7. Treating your spouse as your best friend also gives you that person who you feel safe to talk to about anything and everything.

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I thought about my own marriage and thankfully it is characterized by positive sentiment override. After reading the chapters from the Gottman book, I asked my husband if when we argue, do we complain or criticize each other. That was something that really stood out to me because I know I can be a complainer but I can also criticize when I’m really frustrated. I wanted to ask him because if that is something I need to be more aware of, then I will work on it. Lucky for me, both my husband and I don’t even remember the last time we’ve argued which is a sign that we don’t have many arguments within our relationship.

Friendship with our spouse makes us less selfish. We also don't seek many outside friendships if our marriage has a solid foundation of friendship. I feel the exact way with my marriage. My husband and I are best friends and as an introvert, he is really all the friend that I need and I'm totally happy with that.

Resource:
1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (n.d.). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Beware of wolves in our marriages

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Elder Bruce Hafen wrote an article in the November 1996 issue of the Ensign 1. In it he good counsel on what the difference is between covenant and contractual marriage. A union based on covenant is where both spouses give their 100%, while the contractual union is a perspective of those that only give 50% and expect their spouse to give the other half. A contractual is one that is laid with problems because they don't go into this union with faith, love and understanding.

Elder Hafen also warned us of three wolves that tests any marriage. The first one is natural adversity. This is when things beyond our control happens within our marriage such as job loss or inability to bear a child. The second one is imperfections. This is when a spouse puts down the other in order to cover up their own insecurities. Or that a spouse feels so inept that they expect their spouse to fill the void in their inadequacies. The last one wolf is excessive individualism. This is when a person fills that a marriage shouldn't take away who they are and neglects their commitment in order to fulfill their own selfish desires.

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My favorite part of Elder Hafen’s talk was about the third wolf which is the problem of individualism. I think that this is a big issue right now. I hear a lot of women saying that they are “loosing themselves” because they are only a mom/wife/homemaker. A major thing that I will definitely pay attention to from here on out is not getting caught up with the idea that because I’m a wife first that I’m not myself anymore. I think that having the mentality that you have a “partner” and a “help meet” instead of you against your spouse will make my marriage a stronger covenant marriage versus contractual.

I think that the excessive individualism is very detrimental to our society. There is this popular notion now that you do what makes you happy. There is truth to that in some degree but I believe when it comes to marriage, the outlook of two individuals should change to one partnership making decisions together. I heard someone recently utter "I don’t care. That’s what I want!” It seems like I'm hearing this or some kind of version of this from a lot of married people lately.

Every couple deal with their respective challenges in various ways. I'm sure our different personalities and circumstances affect how we each "work out those problems" but I like how you mentioned about coming to the Lord for help. I think that that's one of the best ways that couples can work out their challenges. I know for myself that kneeling down in humility puts things in perspective and helps me (and my husband) work our differences out.

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I have to admit, when I was little, I had this "fairy tale" image of what a marriage would look like. My parents didn't have a "perfect" marriage and growing up in the Philippines, we had our share of challenges. But I still hoped for that perfect, no tears/hurt type of marriage. After almost 14 years of marriage, I have realized that a happy marriage DOES include tears and hurt once in a while but it's in what we do with those tears and hurt that really matters. 

Resources:

1. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Defenders of Marriage

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I just finished reading the entire report on the Supreme Court's decision to force all states, whether they initially approved it or not, the ability for same sex couples to apply for marriage certificates. It was lengthy but after much thought clearly represents the feelings of the majority of the people these days.

Not all of the judges agreed with the majority ruling. There were four judges that dissented and they had really good arguments to defend their sides. Some of favorite quotes were the following:

“If the Constitution contained a provision guaranteeing the right to marry a person of the same sex, it would be our duty to enforce that right. But the Constitution simply does not speak to the issue of same-sex marriage.  In our system of government, ultimate sovereignty rests with the people, and the people have the right to control their own destiny. Any change on a question so fundamental should be made by the people through their elected officials” (Judge Alito’s dissent, page 6)

“The Court’s decision here will “have unavoidable and wide-ranging implications for religious liberty”. . . It appears all but inevitable that the two will come into conflict, particularly as individuals and churches are confronted with demands to participate in and endorse civil marriages between same-sex couples.” (Judge Thomas’ dissent, page 15)

“There will be consequences to shutting down the political process on an issue of such profound public significance.  Closing debate tends to close minds.” (Judge Roberts dissent, page 27)1

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The legalization of same-sex marriages is a direct attack on the sacredness of marriage between a man and a woman as well as its divine characteristic given to us by God. In the eyes of God, there is good and bad, black and white. This ruling shows that people can live in the ‘grey’ area without any repercussion or consequence to follow. This reminds me of the scripture that says you can’t serve two masters. The people who are for same-sex marriage are foolishly thinking that they can live their lives “however they want to” without offending their Creator. It is just not possible!

Now some people might say that I’m so one sided because I do not have anybody that I love that is not suffering with same sex attraction. As a matter of fact, I do. However, I do not think that there is anything good that comes out of direct debates and confrontations regarding our differing views.

I believe that "to love and stand your ground" means to pick your battles. What I mean is that we cannot go on shouting out our "opinions" and beliefs without offending anyone. That is just not possible. So we don't go on every post on social media or any platforms like that, and always be on an attack mode. We need to seek the guidance of the Spirit as to when to speak and when to just let things be said without commenting on them.

I also feel like as a member of His true church, I need to decide now. . . Would I let this go on without having a conviction (pro or con) or should I, at least in my heart, decide where I stand on the issue? It reminds me of the counsel that they always say to the youth regarding choices. You have to make the decision now so that when you are faced with that challenge, you've already made a choice. I am not mad at anybody in particular that is pro same sex marriage. My biggest issue is having that lifestyle forced on me, just because nine judges say so.

I honestly am not sure if I’m prepared for the tough times ahead of us (as far as the disintegration of society and family values) but I do believe that I have a strong enough testimony to keep my faith in these increasingly challenging times. Over the years I have realized that for me to that, I have to make my “circle” of friends smaller. This doesn’t mean that I’m not friendly or have this snobbish attitude. I am just now in the position where I want to be surrounded, especially for my children’s sake, by like-minded people. Yes we can have some differences but I do not go out of my way to be friends with those that have opposing standards and morals than mine. It is just too hard, especially when a lot of them are so close minded now. It’s either you accept them for all that they are or that they perceive that you hate them. There’s no middle ground for certain groups of people.

Resources:
1. http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf