You Cannot Buy Love

In Poduska’s 1 chapters about financial challenges within a marriage, I was reminded about the underlying reasons of why a person makes certain financial decisions. These choices are greatly influenced by his or her childhood experiences, even their birth order. I am the second to the oldest, and although I have certain characteristics of a “second born”, I also found some aspects of the first born and the middle born in me. When I was growing up, I was more of the controller than my older sister was. I organized our activities and even directed how each sibling was to do their chore. Everyone in my family knows that I can get a bit controlling and they’ve learned to live with my high expectations.

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I believe that I have taken that same “control issues” in my marriage. Fortunately for me, the control issues do not spill over the finances. That is where my husband is an expert on and I totally trust him with our money. He does get my input, especially with the big purchases but with the everyday tallying up of income and expenses, he’s the guy that does it for our family.

Another thing that I really liked about Poduska’s thoughts on finances is the idea that you cannot buy love. The author said, “Whether another person is happy, sad, loving, or rejecting is a choice that person makes; it is not within your power to generate those feelings.” As a parent, I can easily use material things as a sign of showing my children love. However with this quote, it shows that it doesn’t help anyone to feel better if I shower him/her with gifts and material things. My attempt of showing love through tangible items will not lead to lasting and real love.

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The last idea that I have gained from Poduska’s book is the idea that, “you can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you.” This is very insightful, especially in our day where everything is so easily purchased/gained without too much work. A swipe of a card or a “charge” notion can get you anything that you desire. It’s in the understanding of what you need versus what you want is what will help a person curb their desires, especially in purchasing items.

Elder Maxwell once said, “Life’s necessary defining moments come within our allotments, and we make “on the record” choices within these allotments. Our responses are what matter. Sufficient unto each life are the tests thereof!”2

Contentment, especially in our material allotments, is very important in a marriage that is a combination of two differing cultures and traditions. We all have our agency, and being satisfied with whatever we have, making sure that we do not use material things as our “love language”, and having good communications regarding money without our respective spouses is what will create success within our marriages.

Resources:

1. Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain
2. Maxwell, N. A. (2000, April). Content with the Things Allotted unto Us - Neal A. Maxwell. Retrieved July 11, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/content-with-the-things-allotted-unto-us?lang=eng

Unity in Marriage

President Henry B. Eyring presented some great advice regarding unity in his talk entitled “That We May Be One.”1 His thoughts, although directed to humanity in general, fits perfectly in establishing unity within marriages. He said that being one with our spouses is an essential part of God’s plan. President Eyring said, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”

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When I think about “becoming one in marriage”, my thoughts directly turn to my in laws. My father in law was a young widow at 32 years old when my husband’s mother passed away due to a car accident. This tragedy left him heartbroken and understandably overwhelmed in figuring out how to care for his four young children, one of them (my husband) being only a few months old. As he was putting his life back into pieces, it was clear to him that he needed to find a “help meet” in order to both work and take care of his children. Fortunately he met my mother in law. We refer to her as an angel because without her willingness to marry a widow with four children, who knows what would have happened to my husband and his siblings. I think the commitment that both my in laws made with each other to rebuild the family after a tragedy is an example of having their hearts knitted together.

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A big part of achieving unity within the marriage is through weekly couple council. Elder Russell M. Ballard gave us some great council on the what, why and how of this important meeting. In his explanation, he talked a lot about how councils are essential to the everyday running of the church. Some vital aspects of these meetings involves an agenda, prayer, charity with one another, and an invitation for the Spirit to direct. These same chief elements of a church council are the exact ones that are necessary for each successful weekly couple council. Elder Ballard emphasized the significance of accepting the various differences we have and being open to one another’s opinions and beliefs. He said that, “By appointing different accountability to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service and progress.”2 The differences that we have are part of our divine make up. Having respect and charity for one another is part of our refinement.

Resources:
1. Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66
2. M. Russell Ballard (1997) “Counseling With Your Councils.” Chapter 2