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Elder Bruce Hafen wrote an article in the November 1996 issue of the Ensign 1. In it he good counsel on what the difference is between covenant and contractual marriage. A union based on covenant is where both spouses give their 100%, while the contractual union is a perspective of those that only give 50% and expect their spouse to give the other half. A contractual is one that is laid with problems because they don't go into this union with faith, love and understanding.
Elder Hafen also warned us of three wolves that tests any marriage. The first one is natural adversity. This is when things beyond our control happens within our marriage such as job loss or inability to bear a child. The second one is imperfections. This is when a spouse puts down the other in order to cover up their own insecurities. Or that a spouse feels so inept that they expect their spouse to fill the void in their inadequacies. The last one wolf is excessive individualism. This is when a person fills that a marriage shouldn't take away who they are and neglects their commitment in order to fulfill their own selfish desires.
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My favorite part of Elder Hafen’s talk was about the third wolf which is the problem of individualism. I think that this is a big issue right now. I hear a lot of women saying that they are “loosing themselves” because they are only a mom/wife/homemaker. A major thing that I will definitely pay attention to from here on out is not getting caught up with the idea that because I’m a wife first that I’m not myself anymore. I think that having the mentality that you have a “partner” and a “help meet” instead of you against your spouse will make my marriage a stronger covenant marriage versus contractual.
I think that the excessive individualism is very detrimental to our society. There is this popular notion now that you do what makes you happy. There is truth to that in some degree but I believe when it comes to marriage, the outlook of two individuals should change to one partnership making decisions together. I heard someone recently utter "I don’t care. That’s what I want!” It seems like I'm hearing this or some kind of version of this from a lot of married people lately.
Every couple deal with their respective challenges in various ways. I'm sure our different personalities and circumstances affect how we each "work out those problems" but I like how you mentioned about coming to the Lord for help. I think that that's one of the best ways that couples can work out their challenges. I know for myself that kneeling down in humility puts things in perspective and helps me (and my husband) work our differences out.
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I have to admit, when I was little, I had this "fairy tale" image of what a marriage would look like. My parents didn't have a "perfect" marriage and growing up in the Philippines, we had our share of challenges. But I still hoped for that perfect, no tears/hurt type of marriage. After almost 14 years of marriage, I have realized that a happy marriage DOES include tears and hurt once in a while but it's in what we do with those tears and hurt that really matters.
Resources:
1. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng
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